The Colors on the Walls

What am I doing?

What are any of us doing?

Day in day out it is the same.

There is a difference between being alive and

living.

So can someone tell me why the 

air I breathe feels stale.

In, out, in, out.

My heart beats evenly as I 

stare at these white walls.

Math equations and vocabulary words

running through my head on an

endless loop.

Think harder, I have to remember...

but why?

And in that moment of hesitation

it's gone.

All of the things I thought

I had to know

are gone.

The train of persistent knowledge

pounding into my head has

been derailed,

and I am left with a paintbrush.

I walk to the white walls

with useless trivia and derivatives

that my teachers said I needed to learn,

and begin painting over them.

Now the corporate machine is pissed,

and the doctor keeps telling me to take my meds,

but I haven't been taking those pills for years.

I finally release, and paint what my heart has

wanted to paint forever.

Goodbye logarithms.

Goodbye stoichiometry.

Hello art.

Hello Music.

Hello Me.

Bricks make great shooting stars

A shooting star isn't really a star, but rather a piece of space junk that burns up in Earths atmosphere.

So if I ever go into space, I want to throw a brick at Earth to see if I can create something beautiful.

Greatness is made, it isn't born.

New York City was built on the fields of simple farmers,

Hip Hop was created by kids living in ghettos with nothing,

and Van Gogh only sold one painting while he was alive.

Life is a matter of perspective.

A brick is nothing more than a block of hardened clay,

but in the right circumstance, 

they make great shooting stars.

Don't be afraid to shine.

"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

-Marianne Williamson

We can't live our entire lives in our smallness,

an opportunity missed can never be reclaimed,

so we deserve to look at ourselves,

and find the greatness within.

I would much rather feel regret for something I did, than for something I didn't do.

So I'm choosing to take action today,

in hopes that one day,

even something as dull as a brick like me,

can one day become something beautiful.

On the Outside Looking In

We don't experience life the same,

you and I.

The whole purpose of this journey would be

pointless if we did.

Because our differences are what make us

who we are.

I don't see God the way many others do.

I did, once upon a time.

But now I consider myself to be

not exclusively religious.

I don't have any hate or distrust

of any specific religion.

In fact it's really quite the opposite.

I love so many ideas of many different religions,

that I can't pick just one.

A master isn't defined by the number of students they have,

but by the amount of masters they make.

Neither is a teacher defined by their number of students they have,

rather the number of scholars they make.

So following this line of logic,

I believe,

A God isn't defined by the number of followers they have,

but by the number of Gods they make.

I don't believe that I am a child of God,

but that I am a part of God.

So maybe this makes me different from you,

and maybe you don't see the same.

And that is perfect.

Life wouldn't be the same if we did.

But all I ask is that maybe you

take a risk.

And stop to look at life from the

outside looking in.

My Third Cent About Love

I really wish I had waited 2 days before doing my last post, it would have been perfect for this weeks prompt of love. But hey, I guess there is always more to write, so I think I'll just expand off of what I wrote before. If you haven't read my last post, I recommend you read it first.
My two cents about love

It's official. Today the papers finally went through. And after all the build up of the last few weeks, I have to admit, it was pretty anticlimactic. When my dad first left the house, he said that he was secretly hoping this would blow over and things could return to normal, but he wasn't there for the conversation I had with my mom...

Only a few days before, I received a phone call from my mom as I was pulling up to work. She asked that instead of getting to work like I usually would, that I would come and talk to her in her office. I agreed of course, and told her I would be right in. When I sat down on the other side of her desk, nothing could have prepared me for the outflow of emotion that she expressed to me. To say the least, what came next was all completely new news to me, and a side of my mom I had never seen. The 100% genuine side of her that was explaining her true feelings for the first time. For two hours, I held her hand and let her cry herself dry. There really wasn't much else I could do, considering that for the first time, she was admitting that with as much as she cares about my dad, she never truly loved him.

The Puzzle of Love

Love is a thousand piece puzzle,

The picture on the box is incredible,

but as you begin to pour out the pieces,

the new path first seems untreadable.

So just like every puzzle,

you start around the edges,

still afraid to go too deep,

as you piece the chinks and wedges.

Soon you'll find that building a puzzle,

is harder when it's just you,

so you find a friend to come and help,

and one then turns to two.

But sometimes they don't see the same,

and the pieces don't fit right,

so you get to find a different friend,

someone new to sit at your side.

Because when you're building a puzzle this big,

you know it'll take some time,

so learning to be with different people,

really isn't a crime.

At last the puzzle comes to a close,

and your bond with one becomes thicker,

you realize it took many different hands,

to finally get the picture.

So no, sorry dad, but I never really thought it was possible for everything to go back to normal. With as hard as this is for everyone in my family, it really is for the best. My mom gets to learn to fix herself for a change, and my dad gets to find someone who sees the puzzle the same way he does. So hearing that my parents went out to dinner together for the last time after signing the divorce papers was a bitter-sweet ending to a long chapter. But just as fire burns away the grasslands of last year, a new seed is planted in a new chapter, and it looks like it might just grow into something unexpectedly beautiful. I guess we'll just have to see.

My two cents about love

Love, some people refuse to talk about it, while others won't shut up about it. And what's the big deal anyway? I never really gave a lot of thought about it until I held my father in my arms as he bawled into my shoulder. And to think, he's supposed to be the strong one... I've watched love bring people unlimited happiness, but also watched as love pushes them off an already shaky ledge and sends them into a void they see no end to. My brothers didn't handle it well either in the beginning, saying hurtful words they didn't really mean because they felt like they needed someone to blame. That was what happened right before I held my sobbing mother close to my chest, telling her it wasn't her fault. At times, I've realized when something isn't working, you need to resolve it sooner than later, otherwise the problem will only get worse.

"I can't help feeling like I failed as a husband."

These are words I never thought I'd hear my dad say, yet here we are. Of course I can't blame him. It really wasn't his fault. He did the best he could.

"I was so young, everything was happening so fast. I thought I was happy, but I couldn't help feeling like I was still waiting for the spark..."

Was 20 years enough Mom? And I never knew. That masked behind the plastered smiles, there was a child who was still afraid of the dark, until now... So of course I support you and love you both. How could I not? You were the best parents any kid could have ever asked for. 

"As it turns out, getting married is a lot easier than getting divorced..."

I'm gonna have to take your word for it Pops, yet, as all of this is unfolding in front of me, I can't help feeling like all of this is backwards, like someone switched my part for what was supposed to be my parents.

"I have to admit, I can't help feeling a little jealous of you. After you broke up with her, I saw how free you were, and can't help feeling like I missed that. The time I had to be free and fly on my own."

Well, nows your chance Mom. And what timing too? Now we can fly together. But jealous of me? I never thought that taking a stand for myself would inspire my mom to do something she's wanted to do for years.

"Your dad just gave us the news, I would have never guessed that this would happen... are you handling everything ok? I just want you to know that I'm always here for you."

Thanks uncle Justin, I know you mean well, but that's what everyone says. And ya, I'm handling everything a lot better than people think I am. In fact, with everything going on, this has given me some time to really think about what love is all about, and this is my conclusion. Right now, people everywhere are searching for love from others, because they have forgotten how to love themselves. We desperately cling to the idea that someone is going to fix us by loving us more than we possibly ever could. But we're wrong... Because there is no possible way any of us could accept more love than we allow ourselves to have. So before you continue your endless search for somebody to love you, learn to love yourself first. Because the truth is, I don't need anybody to love me, except for me. And if I truly love myself all the way to my core, then love finds me. A wise man once said, "you will only find what you are looking for, when you stop looking so hard. Learn to be at peace without it, and it will find you." Now's your chance to be free. Now's your chance to dream the impossible dreams, to test how far you can fly, to find your limits, only to discover you're limitless. And finally, to learn that despite what you once thought, you don't need anybody else to do this. So don't wait until you've been married for 20 years to jump, do it now, before you have a chance to think twice. Don't miss a thing, and whatever choice you make, make it with no regrets.

With every step you climb another mountain,

every breath gets harder to believe,

you make it through the pain, weather the hurricane,

to get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere,

just when you almost gave up on your dreams,

they take you by the hand, and show you that you can,

because there are no boundaries.

-"No Boundaries" Adam Lambert

Hats; Who Needs 'em?

I know a person, who wears a hat nearly every time I see them. I see a dependency too. Like if they were to take their hat off, they would lose part of their soul. Why? What part of them truly believes that hats are as much a part of them as their body and soul? I think they find themselves feeling unrecognizable because something is missing.  Something that is deeper than an article of clothing...

A long time ago, an old man was walking back to his village after a long day working in his rice field. As he nears the village, he crosses paths with a younger man with expensive clothes , luxurious jewelry, and a very fine hat. "Hello," says the old man to the younger one, "what brings you hear? The nearest city is at least 10 miles away." The young man cooly replies with, "I am the 7th son of a sultan from a village up north." "I see," says the old man, "so are you here for business?" "Not at all," said the young man, "I'm on a journey, I want to find who I really am, and what my purpose is here." The old man ponders the younger mans response, and invites the young boy to dinner at his house. The young boy accepts, and after a home cooked meal from the old mans wife, the two men sit comfortably in the living room and begin conversing. The young man begins by explaining that even though he has all the riches he could ever dream of, he hates living with his family, and has been longing to leave for years. The old man then asks about the emblem on the young mans hat. "The emblem on my hat is my family crest." The old man then replies with, "If you dislike your family so much, why do you choose to wear your family crest around?" The young man says, "Well, I've been the son of a sultan my entire life. Without that, I don't know what I would be." "And would removing that scare you?" asked the old man. "Of course, if I give up my entire identity, I'll be left with nothing. At least with this, people will recognize me as someone important." "You said you're on a journey to find who you are and why you're here, correct?" asked the old man. "Yes," replies the younger. "Well then, I'm sorry to tell you that you will never find what you seek." says the older man. "Excuse me? Why would you say that?" "Because you'll never find who you really are if you don't let go of who you THINK you are. These two things are not the same. One leads to a life of self fulfillment, while the other leaves you powerless to others as you endlessly search for their approval. So in order to find yourself, you have to renounce your titles, strip away everything you ever "thought" you were, and look at whats left. Once you've removed all of that, only then can you ask the question,

 'Who am I?'"

Who am I...?

Who AM I...?

As you sit alone, in the silence that follows this question, you will, for the first time, feel truly whole. This is the time you can finally move forward with full confidence and knowing of your true identity. Its finally time you realize, that no one else can tell you who you are. Because only you have the answer to that question. Haha, who am I then, you ask? I'll tell you in time, I promise. But before I do, I must ask you to remove your hat...